i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
