Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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