1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Damn victory sex feels great
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
