i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
