I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
