It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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