I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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