The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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