we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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