she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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