So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
