so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
