i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
