I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
