apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
