Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize