dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
