i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
