Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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