I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
