My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
