I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
