Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
As shirtless as possible
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
