Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
