90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
