connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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