where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
