ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
