Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
