someone owes me an orgasm
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
