I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
