I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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