and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
