Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
