my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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