its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
