im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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