i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
