Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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