i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
