Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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