no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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