i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
