I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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