I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hope mine doesn't look like that
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
