I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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