i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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