just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
