i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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