he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm both gender and math confused
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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