All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
