I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
