'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Found the puke drawer
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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