Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
